All cowboys can fire a gun

And dodge a bullet or two

But there’s not that many can solve a sum

Or even tie their shoe

That’s why they wear cowboy boots

And don’t know two times two


Not that this was important

In the line of cowboying

Until one day

In the Snakebite Saloon

When a very clever boy came in


His glasses gleamed in the midday sun

When through the saloon doors he swung

With a large forehead and nasal voice

To not laugh there really was not a choice


The barflies laughed till they wet themselves

Their laughter filled the room

Never had there been such a wimpy one

Inside the Snakebite saloon

But he knew that with these drunkards

He could have some fun

And where he kept his calculator

There should have been a gun


Now the time had come

For him to speak

Though his voice

Was very weak

And when he’d recovered

From the smell of wee

And cleared his head

He spoke in haughty nasal tones

And this is what he said:


“I will make your brains explode

Your eyeballs they will pop

You’ll fall down upon your knees

And beg for me to stop


I know it may sound funny

I can see you’re having a laugh

But I will do what I have said

And I’ll do it all with math”


From his pocket came sticks of coloured of chalk

And the cowboys hushed their boisterous talk

From the holster he drew his calculator and calculated

Things so fast his brain mutated

And soon the room was filled with equations

On the tables, the ceilings and even on Indians

And pi everywhere you could find

But not of the edible kind

And when he looked the cowboys were blind

And yes you guessed it

He blew their minds


Now there’s a lesson not to poo-poo

People who think they’re smarter than you

Because if you mock them and they fight back

You might just want to change your tack

Because you’ll lose and you’ll wish you hid

Like the cowboys that messed

With the Calculator Kid.

The Calculator Kid - A long funny poem about a very clever cowboy.