As I walk around my supermarket

Filling my basket up

I look for the next item on my list

And that thing is ketchup

But when I turn down the condiment aisle

I feel an awesome force

That directs my attention to a singular bottle

And it’s labelled:


Awesome Sauce


I read the label and it says it contains;

Leprechaun toenails and unicorn brains,

A whisker of a wizard and some pixie dust,

The sweat of a god from mount Olympus,

And of course there were e numbers as well

To stop the whole thing from making a smell


I reverently carry the bottle home

Eager to taste its magic

I’ll pour it on food (some fish & chips)

And hope the results aren’t tragic


I tap the bottle on the bottom

Waiting for it to drop

Out comes a glowing stream of sauce

And the sound it makes is:




A puddle of powerful awesome sauce

Covers all my meal

And as I eat and with each bite

There are strange things I can feel


I leap to my feet to see how I’ve changed

All powerful? All magic? No something is strange…


My head it is twisting

My legs they are numb

My stomach’s been labelled

And so has my bum

I’ve shrunk quite a bit

And I’m feeling quite dumb

Yes you could say that something is wrong


Now I’m looking up and I can’t understand

Why where there once was a bottle

There now stood a man


“Thank you for freeing me from my spell

Trapped inside that inside that bottle

No Genie’s lamp

It was quite cramped

Now you can have the trouble”


He said

Tightening the cap

That now was my head

My future is flashing before me


As he puts me in the cupboard

Long conversations

With tins of baked beans

And out-of-date jars of mustard


But I’ve learnt a lesson

From this little fable

Never believe

What it says on the label.

Awesome Sauce - A long funny poem about a magical variety of ketchup.